前两天有条微博特火,一网友说,午休不知道吃啥,就去看各家外卖的评论区,结果刷了一个小时停不下来,被冤种用户们的评论笑死:
有人说,吃了外卖之后,自家弟弟死了,有“弟弟”的“尸体”为证。
有人表示,带着一大家子人去吃餐厅的饭,家里四个大爷当场死了仨,留下来的那个想回家,还得叫台货拉拉。
微博评论区有人都笑劈叉了,有人却一脸淡定回复:
笑的人大概很少吃外卖,这才哪到哪啊,外卖吃得久了,乐子可大了。
每一个经常点外卖点人,都是有些文案功底在身上的,有网感懂阴阳,能直抒胸臆能搞发疯文学,随时准备着在每一餐后为这个世界贡献一点快乐。
如果菜好吃,大家跳着脚夸,向餐厅许下后半生的承诺。
或者赛博磕头,反正膝盖不疼。
民以食为天,一顿好吃的饭能圆满一个订餐者的小宇宙,进而美化和谐大环境,形成买卖良性循环。
同理,一顿难吃的外卖,会让买家怒不可遏,创作欲大爆发,一言不合就疯狂输出。
大家都是看段子长大的,阴阳家遍地都是。
最平淡的语气,可以表达最深的怨念。
最稳的手,可以拍出最惊悚的照片。
遇上写发疯文学的,路过的看见都孩怕,担心发文者的精神状态。
而最高端的评论者,只须选择最简单的方式,就能伤害整个地球:
这个世界从来就不缺小机灵鬼,买家踢出无影脚,卖家就杀一个回马枪,这年头,谁怕谁。
你说三句,我回三十句。
用魔法打败魔法,差评什么的没在怕的。
外卖这行,从来不缺斗气大王。
回复往往不为自证清白,只为两败俱伤。
哪怕是最笨嘴拙舌的店家,也自带一把软刀子。
对于出言不逊的年轻人,店家认为自己有义务教他们学做人。
太生气了就互相诅咒,不想好好过,大家都别过。
反正主打一个“做错了也绝不道歉”。
一生要强的商家,一生冤种的顾客,互相伤害的外卖宇宙达成了。
屎尿屁的刀光剑影,小学鸡水平的势均力敌,笑到哭的吃瓜群众,为21世纪初的人类饮食图鉴标记最有意思的注脚,可多少人没意识到,段子的写就,全靠打工人的血泪。
打工人最不想干的事,就是吃外卖。谁也不是瞎子,外卖什么套路,这些年真是看够了。
只看每年曝光的餐厅厨房,恶心的截图让人三天不想吃饭。
糟心厨房标配:看不出颜色的地面,臭气熏天的垃圾桶,盛满不明液体的容器。
能用脚干的活绝不动手,能放地上的食材绝不装盆里——盆只能用来放不干活的那只脚。
拖把拖完砧板再拖地,用完就直接放洗菜池。桶装的黄豆里全是老鼠屎。
墙上是活力四射密密麻麻的小强。
相比这些触目惊心的暗黑操作间,我们偶尔在外卖里吃到一点额外的“蛋白质”,都不值得评论一句震惊体。
人心有多黑,外卖就有多脏,可是到底谁家干净谁家脏,你永远也不知道。
图片看完,恶心够了,肚子也饿了。想着人是铁饭是钢,眼不见心不烦,终于又拿起手机,把外卖一年又一年点了下去。
可资本能让我们好过吗?不能。当大家终于麻了,下决心每天装瞎吃饭时,新的套路再度击垮打工人的心理防线。
江湖神秘角色——预制菜,如今算是做大做强了。
早在2018年,就有人卧底了一家大型料理包厂,拍摄到了比黑心厨房更令人作呕的画面。
冷库车间的肮脏地板上堆满食材,很多食物已经腐坏。排骨放了一年还拿出来放进机器加工,工人自己都不吃厂里生产的东西。
方便廉价的料理包,餐厅老板的最爱,开店不用雇厨师,做饭不用开煤气,一袋料理包拿进去,一盘美食端出来,衣角不沾人间烟火,天天进厨房也能当小仙女。
预制菜为卖家搭建了一座天堂,除了配料表里的羟丙基二淀粉磷酸酯、磷酸氢钠、三聚磷酸钠、六偏磷酸钠有点刺目,它无可挑剔。
同时,它也为打工人打造了一座地狱。
这些年,我们总能呢看见一类新闻:20多岁小伙天天吃外卖,某日突然开始便血,医院确诊,是晚期结肠癌。
35岁女子一天三顿外卖,经常喝奶茶,后来得了I型糖尿病,几乎失明。
27岁男子长期加班熬夜,吃外卖路边摊,某日深夜忽然昏迷,ICU抢救,发现多器官严重受损。
恐怖的新闻不断刷新我们的认知,无数人因为吃外卖胖了、丑了、三高了、瞎了。甚至有一次,一对情侣一起吃外卖,只点了两个玉米饼,一碗米饭,一份豆浆茄子,到了第二天,其中一个人死了。
天天点外卖的人,是用生命满足食欲。
外卖两个字,表面看,人吃饭,自缝里看,饭吃人,鲁迅来了,能再写出一篇《干饭人日记》。
难道就不能不吃外卖吗?
不能。
我们无法停止吃外卖。我们停不下来。
诚然,谁都知道自己吃的是垃圾食品。只看2019年的外卖平台统计数据,北京的外卖之王,首推羊肉串,之后是小腰、汉堡、宫保鸡丁、肉夹馍等一系列高热量糖油混选手。
照着这个榜单吃上三个月,再配合黑心厨房和料理包叠buff,任你是超人的体格也扛不住。
可不吃外卖,我们怎么生活呢?
网上又个up叫@无无无无语森,讲过自己减肥和复胖的经历:不工作时热衷减肥,每天撸铁跑步停不下来,自己烹饪健康餐,吃得比兔子还干净,体重咔咔往下掉。
后来开始上班,每天八点半起床来不及吃早饭,到了公司勾心斗角明哲保身,巴结领导团结同事,跪舔甲方爸爸听从领导指示,忙活到晚上九点半到家,十点半吃完最后一口外卖直接躺倒。
赶上出差,早上七点开始接电话,和客户周旋到晚上十一点回酒店,睡觉前吃仨盒饭,只为弥补早午饭的缺憾。
三个月,他胖了三十斤,在深夜吃一份过油肉拌面加俩大腰子成为打工人最重要的仪式。
你忍心责怪他吗,他本人已经是生命的奇迹。你忍心阻止他在深夜吃过油肉拌面和俩大腰子吗?你甚至心疼得想给他再加俩肉串。
打工人的生活像陀螺。网上的小视频里,有人节假日蹲在地铁里赶工。
有人连续上班15个小时,最终猝死。
有人一边骑车一边打吊针。
有人说,工作不顺利,老公点的外卖火锅是生活对她唯一的奖励。
他们忙得胃疼时,只想喊一声妈,吃一口热饭。
或者至少,吃一些看起来更靠谱的优质外卖。
可他们不配。他们穷。他们不能让父母知道,只能自己扛下所有。
父母常说,年轻人只是懒,不打游戏就能作饭,不刷视频就能早睡。张朝阳也曾建议:年轻人要自己做饭,不想做饭可以先去散步。
可谁去追究年轻人为什么熬夜,为什么打游戏。因为焦虑,因为没有生活。
生于盛世,信仰奋斗,追求“成功”,热爱消费,这是这代年轻人被给予的观念。
寒窗十几载,背井离乡,进入大厂小厂,是无数人想尝试的生活。更有甚者,年纪轻轻就早早远行,赚钱养家。
当我们难以避免地成为螺丝钉,忙得四脚朝天时,却发现自己逐渐失去了对人生的掌控,也模糊了生活的意义。没有了做饭的时间,丢了健康的资本。
迷茫,疲惫,我们渴望碳水。
炸鸡、火锅饮鸩止渴,但是8点半起床22点到家的年轻人,他们该吃什么?
综艺《看理想》中提到过,很多当代人的生活,就是没有生活。
很多人的状态,就像黑白片《摩登时代》。不同的是,片子里的男主不吃外卖。后来他疯了。
那还是吃外卖吧。
为了更好地安慰自己,年轻人开始寻找“妈替”,赛博点菜。短视频上,@王蓉仨娃妈成为妈替爆款,她五点钟起床,为全家做满汉全席,情绪饱满,温柔可亲,厨艺高明。
诚然她有争议,可看到她如何做饭,如何做妈妈之后,无数质疑王蓉的人开始保护她:谁也不许说我妈妈的坏话!妈,我要吃东坡肉!
另一个群孩拥戴的妈妈@群姐,她朴实无华,笑容满面,看起来能为子女吃一辈子苦。
粉丝们说,群姐比妈妈还像妈妈,想吃群姐做的饭。
元宇宙时代,电子妈妈们的家常菜成为外卖大户们的救赎。吃要命外卖,就电子榨菜,辛苦的游子们,写着外卖差评,开心每一天。
否则能怎么办呢?大家没的选。
如果有的选,谁也不想冒着生命危险吃饭,糟践自己的身体发肤。
如果条件好,谁又愿意离开家乡和母亲的饭桌,过着被资本割韭菜的生活。
我们只想变得更好,没想到有些事会越来越糟,但代价已经成为沉没成本,路要走下去,外卖也只好吃下去。
一盘垃圾食品毫无营养,但承载着年轻人对理想生活坚持,不堪的外卖厨房令人作呕,却支撑着打工人们疲惫的身心。
吃饭有理,奋斗无罪,孩子需要成长,环境需要改变,那究竟是谁之错呢?
后面的孩子,我们有信心让他们吃得更好吗?
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